'The Wonderful World of Joseph McCrumble' is now available in paperback. You probably know this already if you are even an infrequent visitor to the site. At £7.99, this 284 page book represents fantastic value for money, and really should be at the top of your shopping list. But it probably isn't.
I understand. My name is not synonymous with the idea of a blockbuster. In fact, I've never published anything like this before in my life. When Dr Mark Booth suggested putting the contents of my blog into a book, I shirked off the idea as ridiculous. But then he came up with the idea that all my royalties should go to charity. I was a little reluctant at first, what with the twins at boarding school and No.3 on the way. But he persisted, and I eventually saw the light. I have now become determined to help him raise money through the sale of the book.
'We need some incentives', I told him during a recent telephone call.
'Such as?', he asked. 'We can hardly offer a discount, given that all your royalties are going to charity.'
'What if we throw in something for free?', I suggested.
'Providing it costs nothing to produce', said Dr Booth, dryly.
'Mmmm, that's tricky', I opined, 'given that we are fast approaching Christmas and nothing comes for free.'
'Hang on though', said Dr Booth after a long pause. 'There is something you could offer, Joseph. It won't cost you a penny, and may even boost sales.'
'Huh?', I grunted, not sure where this was leading.
'Goodwill!', exclaimed Dr Booth.
'Are you serious?' I asked, incredulous at the idea.
'I am. Try it. You've become cynical, Joseph. I know it's been a hard year, but that doesn't mean the pot of goodwill has dried up. Try using some.'
'Well, I'll think about it, but I'm not sure. People might think it has no value if we just give it away.'
'Joseph. I can't believe you just said that.'
'OK, OK. I'll work something out.'
With that idea in my head, I set to work. The maths were difficult. I first had to invent some units of goodwill. After several hours of scribbling and crossing things out, I decided on dividing Goodwill into units called 'Booth's Unitary Numerator of Goodwill Standard' or, to give it its acronym 'B.U.N.G.S'
I then had to work out how much Goodwill I should give away with each book. I asked Dolores for her opinion, but she was too busy teaching Denise how to cook an omelette to pay any attention. Ravel was decorating the Christmas tree with some home-made ornaments, and McCavity was in the laboratory, dissecting something. So it was down to me to work it out.
Several mince pies and a few glasses of mulled-wine later, I had it. So here it is. My very, very special offer for every reader of 'The Wonderful World of Joseph McCrumble'
1) Purchase a copy of 'The Wonderful World of Joseph McCrumble'
2) That's it! Your 6.5 BUNGS of GOODWILL are automatically included with every copy.
*Terms and conditions apply: your Goodwill is at risk if you do not spread a little happiness. Goodwill cannot be resold, but can be shared. Value Added Tinsel (VAT) is applicable at 17.5%. Postage and Packing not included. McCrumble Enterprises Ltd accept no liability for Goodwill that is lost, stolen or broken. Goodwill can be returned at any time, but no refunds will be given. Additional Goodwill is available on request, or by shopping at www.matangini.org.uk.