Songtime

Hello all

Following the decision that the weekend was cancelled after finding a note-pad full of experiments to be performed on the baby by the twins, we were left to entertain ourselves. The twins are under house-arrest until this evening, and have been sulking the whole day. They still protest that they were not going to actually perform any experiments, but they both have form, and frankly I don't believe them. Dolores is in complete agreement, which makes things a bit easier.

I was in the office, reading some emails, when I heard Dolores start to shout. I left the office and ventured into the living area. Dolores was clutching onto the latest copy of 'Green solutions' - a locally produced publication aimed at people interested in saving the environment. She heard me enter, threw the magazine on the floor and shouted 'I don't believe it!'

'What's up dear?', I asked.

'Global bloody warming!' she said loudly, scowling.

'It's here to stay, darling, so you might as well get used to it', I suggested, trying to be helpful.

'Every day I get bombarded with new ways to help save the planet. I mean, how much further can we go? Look at this...' she jabbed at the magazine on the floor, '...this bunch are saying we should piss in our plant-pots to save water. It's sending people barmy.'

'Yes dear. Do you want me to go to the garden centre?'

'Sod off, Joseph.'

I left my fragrant, if occasionally irrascible wife to her diatribe against the environmentalists and retired to the office. Having read my emails I was suddenly struck by a nugget of creativity, and thought of writing a song. This is something in which I've dabbled previously, but without much success. My trouble is not with the lyrics, but with the tune, for I have no gift for melody. This time, I decided, I would use an existing tune. I had the famous 'My favourite things' from the Sound of Music in my head, and Dolores' rant as a basis for the lyrics. Three hours, 6 flapjacks, 4 cups of tea and one lunch later, I had it. Here then, for the first time ever, I present a song what I wrote. It is to be sung to the tune of 'My favourite things', and is entitled...

'Ode to the disgruntled environmentalist'

Argentine Mangoes and Lamb from New Zealand
Too many airmiles to fly them to England
Organic turnips are what we must buy
So long as they've travelled no more than 2 miles

Chorus:
On a donkey's back, in a woollen sack
Shorn by hand from the sheep
Pick your own berries and wash them in pee
Recyle the tears, that you weep

Meat from a small cow that never saw light of day
Crabs that were plunged into death the old fashioned way
Frogs legs in garlic served on a hot plate
These are the foods we've been told we must hate

Trainers and clothes from developing nations
Coffee from farms in rainforest plantations
Engery from unsustainable source
These are all forbidden products of course

Opting to fly on your annual holiday
Leaving your dvd plugged in the mains all day
Driving to anywhere beyond your street
All of these things are stamped on your crime sheet

you've...got...to

Grow your own compost and eat it for dinner
Nettle tea stewed with bath water's a winner
Rip up your decking and use it for fuel
Wear long grass skirts, pack your kids off to school

Chorus