Tuesday, January 09, 2007

The truth is out there...

My blogging chum Kim Ayres has thrown down a challenge. Write something on the topic of 'Will the human race ever populate another planet'. I couldn't resist, especially as I need the prize (a Toshiba laptop). Here is my entry. A link to vote for me is at the bottom...


'Will the human Race Ever populate another planet'

It's time I came clean. There has been too much speculation already about whether humans will ever reach beyond the stars, boldly go to Jupiter and Mars, take a walk along the Milky Way etc etc etc. The truth is...well, it's all moot. Sit down, dear reader, and brace yourself. The fact is, we passed this particular milestone a long, long time ago. I know the truth, because it was my father who was dispatched from Planet Alpha Romeo 5 (in the Mondeo system, for all you armchair astronomers out there), about fifty years ago, with instructions to gather up-to-date information on life on the Mother Planet (ie, EARTH!)

His voyage wasn't easy. He had to leave behind his family and friends with no guarantee that he would ever return. Solar winds kept blowing him off course, and the asteroid belts were particularly thick that year. On a number of occasions his vessel capsized after being struck by space debris, and he was only saved by the fact that in space, there is neither an up, nor a down.

Approaching Earth was the most hazardous part of the journey. It was a period of intense paranoia concerning UFO's. As he flew around the globe to find a landing spot, my father was subjected to missile attack over no less than 14 different territories (including, he alleged, the Vatican!). It was possibly just sheer luck that he managed to land on earth, somewhere in Scotland, without a scratch on his body or his craft.

Once in Scotland he set about his mission, moving from glen to community with his pen and pad, making notes on everything he saw, tasting the local food and chatting to the locals. The various Scottish accents and dialects proved troublesome for a while, but he got the hang of things and it wasn't long before he became well known for his willingness to listen and learn. There was nothing he wouldn't do, although some of his efforts at engaging in sex were a bit peculiar for earthlings (this has never been revealed before, but my father apparently invented an activity now known as 'dogging'). It was during this part of his exploration that he met my mother (who introduced him to something called 'seagulling', whatever that is).

My father eventually had to leave Earth and return to Planet Alpha Romeo 5. It was a very hard thing to do, for he had fallen in love with the planet Earth, and faced the prospect of another hazardous journey through 15 solar systems and a digitizing Nebula. His child (oui, c'est moi) was called into his study one evening and told the dreadful news.

'Son', he said, his eyes welling up, 'there is something you don't know about me.'

'If it's about the dogging...', I said, trying to soften the incoming blow.

'No son.' , he said firmly. 'The truth is that I am not of this world. I come from a land...

'Down under?' I asked, filled with dread that I might have antipodean blood in my veins.

'No son. My world lies beyond the stars. I am what you might call, an alien.'

'Sure dad. Can I go now?'

Try as he might, he just couldn't convince me. I was fifteen years old and fully versed in the limits of our space exploration. I mean, we'd only just got to the moon. How could he be from another planet?

Mother was shocked, and told Dad to desist with these silly notions. They argued about it until one day Mum walked out. Dad was distraught, but couldn't back down. He told me he was going to prove to me that he was telling me the truth. So, one night, we drove to a secluded spot somewhere in Scotland. It was a field full of heather. He told me to wait and walked into the middle of the field. A few moments later, the earth began to shake. A small, black, cigar shaped vessel emerged from the ground with my father standing on top. He motioned for me to come close. My heart racing, I approached the vessel. It's doors opened with a faint 'whoosh'. A ramp slid down from the belly of the craft. My father jumped to the ground, held his arms open. 'Come with me son. Come with me to Alpha Romeo 5', he pleaded.

I pondered the idea for a few minutes. Sure, on the one hand I was looking at the trip of a lifetime. I'd see things that no-one else had ever seen. I'd have adventures beyond my wildest dreams. But, on the other hand, who could I tell when I got back?

It may surprise you to learn that I decided against the idea. Not because I was scared of interplanetary flight, nor because I would become an outcaston my return, with my wild tales of alien planets . No, the truth, and I am no longer embarrassed to admit it, is that Emily McTavistock had promised to show me what 'dogging' meant the next day, and my fifteen-year old's hormones were the iron filings to the magnet in her lewd brain. 'It's OK dad, your secrets safe with me. I'll no tell anyone, ever', I shouted, my fingers crossed behind my back.

It's taken more than fifteen years for anyone to persuade me to tell the truth of what happened that night. But now, dear reader, the time has come to let you know the truth. I feel unburdened, and hope that you will understand why I chose this particular moment to tell you my amazing tale. You see...it's the prize on offer...well, I know it wouldn't have impressed my intergalactic, star-hopping father, but the cash value of the laptop is easily going to cover my court fines for public indecency when I sell it on Ebay.

Vote for me on Love To Lead - Press the button to vote! You don't have to enter your email address, but if you do you will be entered into a draw for a computer. You can check out the competition at Love to Lead


Kim Ayres said...

I tried voting for you Dr McC, but it turned out that I'd already voted for myself so it will be another 24 hours before I can try again

Samantha said...

I voted for you!

Anonymous said...

I have attempted to vote but the system informed I already have vote! I have not so I sent the administrator an email to complain.



Dr Joseph McCrumble said...

Kim - thanks!

Samantha - thanks!

Keith - What the...I suspect a conspiracy at work here. What if votes are going walkabout?

Dogwithnobrain said...

Hey McCrumble..

Dogwith here.... I've voted.

You are completely bonkers... but I think I'd sussed that already!!


jack said...

I've voted for you too - super stuff!

Gorilla Bananas said...

You're half alien, Dr Joe? Well it's better than being half baboon. "Dogging" is an offensive term as most animals have sex in the open air.